My name is Renee Tester. Im the wife to Mike Tester, and mother to GraceAnne, and Christian. Im also the mother to an unborn child that I chose to take its life.
My parents were divorced. Around the age of 6 my mother married by step-father. Behind closed doors I had been brain washed, bribed, and sexually abused by my step father for 10 years. While my mother worked to support our family.
On the outside life was great! Renee had all these material items. All the kids liked me. I wore K-Swiss, when K-Swiss wasn't cool. After all, that is what mattered in life.
I was newly married. I was absorbed with the world and how important is was to be a “success” in it. I came from a family of “strong willed” women. You were measured by your worldly success. How could I ever be successful without an education and having a child at 20? I needed to focus on my “life.”
It was much more CONVENIENT to terminate the pregnancy and move forward. We could focus on things of this world. I was not raised in a Christian home. The person I married was not either. I had heard that abortion was murder. I never gave it much thought. After all, who would know about?
I searched the phonebook and found a local Dr. (name withheld) that would would “help” me. I had an appointment in a few days. They told me over the phone the cost was $400. As young students we could just “charge” it on a credit card. How much more convenient could it get?
Days later I arrived at the Dr’s office. ( I have another name for it). I went in, done my paperwork, and paid for my procedure. I thought I would probably come back to have the actual procedure done. No, they done it that day.
I went back to my room, and the nurse came in to explain the “procedure” to me. I would be lightly sedated, and very well aware of my surroundings. They had a “procedure” room, and they would be taking me down. The kind nurses that pampered me. Also assured me it was an embryo. I would be fine.
Moments later I walk down to the “procedure” room. I get in the bed, and start looking around and reading labels. I noticed the ultrasound machine, and wondered why it was there. It was setting away from the bed, and the screen was turned so that I could not see it. The nurse explained to me what would happen next. She would do the ultra sound, etc. I asked “Why do you do that?” She replied “To check the embryo.”
While doing the ultra-sound, I heard what I now know as the heartbeat of the baby. It was turned down to a very low volume. I asked what it was. She told me it was the baby. I think she may have said embryo. I do not remember what else she told me. She did not tell me it was my baby’s heart beat. She did tell me the Dr. would come in and ask a couple questions. They would make me comfortable. She assured me it was NOT a painful process.
By this point, I'm starting to wonder what they really do. I asked “What do you do with the embryo?” They told me they take care of it. She may have given me a “medical term”. I do not remember.
The Dr. arrives to ask my questions. Then we go forward with the procedure. During the procedure they talk small talk to me. One of them told me I would hear a loud noise. It was loud! It sounded just like a central vacuum system. It lasted for a minuted or two. At one point there must have been a problem. I could tell by the lingo, it was not going as planned. I was in more pain. I told them I was. The Dr. said it was almost over and I would be fine. I was doing a great job. Sometimes this happened. Then it was over. I was told I was a great patient. I done a great job.
The nurse took me back to my room. My procedure lasted longer than normal so they were getting behind. They had certain days that were set aside for procedures. I was comforted by the nurse, and she told me it was a simple procedure. That is why they do it in the office and not the surgery center. The nurse wanted me to stay a little longer so they could watch me. She assured me it was OK. They do that as a precaution.
At this point, I knew something was not right. I had no idea what I was doing. Much less what questions to ask. All I knew was, it was painful.
They came into the room and brought me a bag of stuff. It had various methods of contraceptives in it.
They told me to go home and lay down and rest. I would be fine.
After 2 days I was fine and was back in the swing of life. Months later I begin to notice more people were speaking out on abortion. Tiller was into all he was doing. In 1994 the abortion law was in effect. I seen all these crazy people picketing in front of clinics. People were killing Dr.s performing abortions. I thought they were NUTS! People needed to mind their own business were my thoughts about it. I started hearing more and more people fighting to rid abortion. I did not understand what was so bad about it.
NOTE: Let me also tell you. If you would have asked me in 1994 if I was a Christian. I would have told you YES I was. I know that is very scary! If someone would have asked "Do you know, that you know, that you know you will spend eternity in Heaven. I might have thought twice. Im not sure!
A few years later I started having issues with depression. I would have memories of the childhood abuse flash through my mind. I started seeing my friends have kids. I was finally content with my professional position. I had put my money into things of the world. I would buy things to try to feel better. If I just had this house, or that car. Life would be better.
I remember when I was in outside sales. I had a picture of a new Corvette on my dash above my odometer. Because that was the next “thing” I was going to buy to feel better. It makes me sick just thinking of it.
Praise God my sister married a minister and they stayed on their face praying for me. I married someone that was opposed to church and God. His family thought "If you did not want to work, you should be a pastor." Pastors were lazy in their eyes.
When I was younger my aunt was the one that impacted my life by telling me about Jesus and what he done for me. I may not have been a christian at that time. Later in life it truly affected me. She did plant seeds.
I would see my sister and her husband being very conservative. I thought the were radical. She once told me about this crazed man named James Dobson and like his book "The Strong Willed Child." Early in life my sister was more like my mother. Mother worked 2 jobs sometimes. My sister took care of me. Even today she still uses her “mother” role on me. :0)
Finally, after a few years of marriage and doing everything I could to be content. I had to confess that I may have murdered my own child. I knew my family would be furious with me. My spouse even more so, because it would tarnish the "perfect" image." I ended up having a nervous breakdown. No mater what I done I could not recover from it.
My spouse was totally opposed to having children. At a young age so was I. I started going to church with my sister. It was a great little country church in Southwest Virginia. The people were so kind. Most of all they did not know my big secret. The more I went to church the more I wanted to study God’s word. I would read it, and go back to church. I became consumed with what if. What if I had that baby? What would he or she look like? Did they look like me? How old they would be today. Would they have my red hair? The questions consumed me. No matter where I turned or how fast I ran. I could not turn away from it. My sin would not leave me. My spouse was against church. I had to be careful not to mention it to him. After a couple years. I could no longer take it. I had to tell the deep dark secret. I had been through counseling to deal with my childhood. I knew what another counselor was going to tell me. I was angry with my spouse and wanted him to suffer like I did.
One day I realized I had taken the life of my own child. I know some of you are thinking “how did you not know it was life?” As someone consumed with myself. It did not cross my mind. I had to be successful and fight the odds of being a failure that I was convinced I would be because of being abused.
I heard the church talking about abortion. I heard the media talking about it. I told God I wanted him to help me. That didn't work. God does not work that way.
I was pregnant with GraceAnne in 2003. I remember sitting on my steps crying and asking God to come into my heart and infiltrate my life. I wanted to live for him. I wanted to feel Him down deep inside my bones. I mean literally.
I wanted to be the best mother I could be. I wanted my child to be raised in a home that was Godly and raised with Godly character. I asked God to forgive me for the murder of my own child and all the other sins. I wanted to take up my cross and follow Him. God worked amazingly in my life.
Things did not go as planned or as I wanted them to. I was divorced when GraceAnne was a few months old. I knew God was working. I was clinging to his promises. My brother in law was my pastor. I know I drove him nuts calling him for questions. I would call him at work. Or go by and talk to him at work. Finally he went to the church and asked if it was ok for me to have a key to the church so I could go to the altar.
I worked in outside sales. I had a three state territory. I loved it when I could swing by the church and hit the altar. I knew I did not have to be on that altar for God to hear me. There was something refreshing about it. I was trying hard to survive as a single mother going through a divorce. I was trying to work, breast feed, raise a baby, and keep my chin up. That was NOT easy! That church was amazing. The body in that church loved me, and loved on me. The people were real. Most of all they accepted me for who God created me to be. The more I grew in Christ. The more people I knew that were Christians. I would hear small talk “How could anyone have an abortion?” Once I was on the phone with a friend that was a medical transcriptionist. She said " This patient had abortions, then had 3 children." "Im surprised God allowed her to have children." My response was "Im not surprised!" "The God I serve is that big." I knew that God had forgiven me. The Holy Bible told me He did. It was God's infallible word. No matter what anyone said. I tried to find false stuff about it. I tried to find scientific stuff. No matter what I came up with. God's Word was true. I was amazed at the life of Paul! I thought of myself when I seen what Paul had done.
According to statistics there are many women in the church today that struggle with this same guilt. Some are saved. Some are not. Yes! You read that correctly! A woman that is saved can still fall into the sin of abortion. I found freedom from the dark pit of hell. Yes! God forgave me for murdering my own child. Sadly, many of us in the church today do not see both sides of abortion. We are out focusing on the murder of the child, and rightfully so. To often we do not take into consideration the abortion statistics include women in the church.
The more I seen how people had no idea what went on in the abortion clinic. The more God worked on me to share my testimony. I would hear stories about someone struggling with sin. I wanted so bad to comfort that person to let them know God forgave me. He could do the same with them. The God that I serve is mighty to save!
One day I got a phone call from someone. They had no idea of my past. This was someone older than me. They shared with me their daughter had 3 kids, and was pregnant again. The daughter was so upset. She did not know how they could support another child. She had shared with her mother she was going to have an abortion. All I done was cringe. The PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) ran throughout my body. My mind was just throwing around all those thoughts, and torment I had been through. I did not want to tell my secret. This lady might be my future mother in law. I did not want to share my horrible sin with her. I did want her to know what life was like after such a horrible decision.
Before I knew it. I shared the story. I shared the emotional pain she would have to deal with. How she would beat herself up if she done it. How many nights of sleep she would lose. How many times she would think she was literally going out of her mind. I shared what I had faced mentally. I shared the experience of sitting in a waiting room on a random day and seeing a baby and wondering if my child would have looked like that. I had shared it all before I even realized it.
Praise God! He took my nasty ol filthy rags to change the mind of a mother considering abortion.
Later, I was with a group of women. We were at a retreat in North Carolina. That night we started a devotional. The devotional was about the sin we tried to hide from God. Even if we thought we had hid it. He knew it. When we faced that sin. We could find so much freedom in Him.
As we went around the room the Holy Spirit was convicting me. The conviction was so strong. It was literally to the point I wanted to try to get up and run away from it. I did NOT want to share my baggage with these ladies in a Sunday school class that I was not even in. They had just invited me out of kindness. Somehow we went around the room and everyone was sharing stuff that related to the devotion. It came my turn, and I thought I was going to pass out. I mean literally pass out. I knew this conviction was to tell my testimony. I was embarrassed to share. Some of these ladies knew what I was dealing with emotionally. They knew I was battling PTSD, and Depression. Finally, I said “ Im going to share this, it is not because I want to.” “I just want to be obedient and remember this is not about me or who you judge me to be.”
I shared my testimony. I shared what happened to me when I thought “terminating the pregnancy” was the solution to my problem. By the end of my testimony we shed tears, and shared boxes of Kleenex. There was not a dry eye among us ladies. One lady there was in my old Sunday School class. I always thought she was so kind and I loved her heart for the Lord. I seen this lady struggle. The more I told, the more she struggled. I knew there was something going on. I was not sure what it was. I did not want to assume anything.
After we were done. I went to my room. I heard a silent knock at my door. This lady asked if she could talk to me privately. Of course I told her yes. She came in and we started talking and she bust into tears. She told me she could not believe my testimony. She understood my testimony. Because it was her testimony as well. Praise God! Later. she was finding freedom in the Grace of the Almighty God that we serve. For many years she carried that secret. She would have never shared it with the women in the church for fear of them judging her.
As sad as it may seem. That is the heart of so many women sitting in the pews today. They can not break that bondage of guilt, feelings of worthlessness, and the feeling of no one will understand.
Please do not think for one second that I am saying that abortion is not murder. According to God's Word In Jeremiah, He formed us in the womb!
God is an all knowing God! 1 John 3:20 (ESV) for whenever our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and he knows everything.
God continues to use my dirty nasty old wretched life to save the lives of unborn babies, and help others find freedom in Him. I still struggle sometimes. Satan will hit me anytime telling me not to share for fear of what others will think of me.
My sweet husband told me that I needed to stand on the platform of my testimony and be a trophy of God’s Grace!! I still carry that statement with me.
When I seen the 180 video. I seen how Ray was talking to others about abortion. I seen how it was changing some minds. For that I am so thankful. I do not want ANYONE to experience the HELL that I have went through dealing with killing their own child. The child that God entrusted them to parent. The child He formed in the womb. That child was in Gods plans before the foundation of the world.
There is someone, somewhere dying to deal with the guilt of the murder of their child. That even applies to the folks at church. It is not just women struggling. Men struggle also. I will never forget my sisters statement to me when I told her I had an abortion. She said “I always wanted a niece or nephew.” She thought she was the only one going to have children. My mother was affected. My brother and sister in law were affected. My sister and brother in law were affected.
ABORTION DOES NOT JUST AFFECT THE MOTHER! It also affects the children you do have or will have. How does it do this? Because you can not hide the pain. No matter what you do. You will not hide the agony and pain that you will experience. To be honest, as I type this I can still see that red BiOHAZARD bag that was in that room that day. It was under the bed in a stainless steel trash can. I know what went in that bag. It was GOD's CREATION! It was my first child. It was the child that God had trusted me to be his or her mother. That baby in that red bio-hazard bag was my mother's grandchild. It was my sister and brother's niece. Most of all, it was an INNOCENT UNBORN CHILD that never had a chance in this world because of people out there fighting for the right to be pro choice. I do not understand society today. If the child is outside the womb, you have to be a parent. No matter what! If it is inside the womb, it is a choice! Nothing has changed about that child, except the stages of development.
ABORTION IS AMERICA'S HOLOCAUST!!!!!! If you CHOOSE ABORTION YOU CHOOSE MURDER!
I referred to abortion as America's Holocaust a few years ago. When I seen the 180 video and how Ray Comfort had shared the same thing. I was so excited to see a man was out there sharing truth!
I pray this testimony, and my transparency changes the hearts and minds of others on abortion. Abortion does not just kill that unborn baby that has a soul. It will also mentally kill the mother in the end. The mental torment is unbearable!
I pray this testimony will let you see that abortion will not do anything but allow you to murder your own child. It is not a matter of being able to provide for that child. If that is the issue, please consider adoption! The last thing you want on your conscience is murder!
If you have participated in America's Holocaust, I pray you find forgiveness in our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. He is faithful and just to forgive us from our sins. There are abortion recovery groups in most areas.
There are Christians that will not judge you because of your decision. If they do judge you, that is their issue with God.
Praise God! He has surrounded me with a family that supports me. Most of all, my husband supports me. He is my cheerleader telling me. Women have to know what their daughters may face. Women need to know what is going on in the clinics. etc.
I have no idea why I was so burdened to share this. I had to be obedient to my God! I pray you follow this blog to learn more about the truth of abortion, and how it affects a woman who has made that decision.
Please share that abortion is murder! There is not a way to sugar coat it. It is murder. I would stand in church or anywhere else and say I was a murderer. I would love to share with you God’s merciful Grace I have experienced through this.
I trust in the Lord, in Him I place my trust.
Know what your daughters could face when they move off to college. We need to be educated and educate them on what this world offers. Abortion clinics are full of liars and murders. If you are an employee working in an OB's office that participates in this action. I would strongly recommend you start praying your way out of there. No one will convince me that God wants them in an office where abortions are performed. Most employees in these offices do not acknowledge life God created. If you are going to share truth with patients I doubt you will stay employed very long. The way I look at it. The doctors and nurses in these offices are not any different than a mass murderer.
To this day I wonder if I would have changed my mind if it was called a baby, or a life when I went to the clinic.
It is a life!!! Period!!! Contact your local Pregnancy Crisis Center. Give that child up for adoption. Take it from me, you do not want the blood on your hands of killing your own child.
If anyone wants to share this with a friend or church family. You are more than welcome to. If you would like to hear my testimony or speak to me. Please do not hesitate to give me a call or email me.
**If you ever experience a mother considering an abortion. I beg of you, to contact me so I may talk to them. Anything shared with me is confidential. This is a very sensitive subject that I know carries so much pain. I would love to pray with you.
Please remember the God that hates murder! God also forgives. God can save us from ourself. That is what he done with me. He saved me from Me!
May God be Glorified in this testimony! Understand I done NOTHING but murder my own child. It was through Him that I found comfort. It was through Jesus Christ that I found salvation. It was through Him that I will spend eternity in heaven. I will not experience the fiery pits of hell. I wont hear the weeping, wailing, and nashy of teeth.
How can I be so sure? Because I am saved by the blood of the Lamb! My name is written in the Lambs Book of Life, and it can not be erased. I believe that God sent His Son to die on the cross for my sin. So that I may be forgiven. He done the same thing for you!
If you want to accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior. Please contact me. I would be honored to pray with you, and talk to you.
Please pray this testimony brings Glory to God, and saves lives of the innocent unborn children that are being killed daily.
Remember, I done nothing! I am nothing but filthy rags! I had nothing to offer Jesus!
Bluff City, TN
If you are going to send a nasty email to me. Please send to firstname.lastname@example.org.
If you are going to post some nasty comments. Do your parents a favor and use your manners. If you have nothing nice to say. Do not say anything at all. This is not out for a debate. It is out here to share my pain of abortion with others so they may not experience the Hell of it! Most of all to protect the unborn babies killed daily!